Friday, November 29, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir Tom Selleck
Gentlemen, today's Great Moustache of History belongs to none other than Mr. Tom Selleck, celebrated super-hunk best known for playing Magnum PI and inventing the 1980s. For those of you too young to remember, Magnum PI was a TV for-hire sleuth, so named for his gun-like demeanor and inability to divide rationally into the circumference of a circle.
Sir Tom's heart-melting lip whiskers almost single handedly transformed the moustache from antiquated aristocratic accessory into the boastful flag of virility that it now is.
Gentlemen, Sir Tom Selleck…
Sir Tom's heart-melting lip whiskers almost single handedly transformed the moustache from antiquated aristocratic accessory into the boastful flag of virility that it now is.
Gentlemen, Sir Tom Selleck…
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir Mark Twain
Gentlemen, today we acknowledge the finest literary moustache ‘Murica has ever produced, Sir Mark Twain, a.k.a. Sir Samuel Langhorne Clemens.
Most history books list 1917 as the year that the US and Germany first went to war. However, this is not true. 43 years earlier, the two great nations squared off in the infamous Twain/Nietzsche Walrus War that raged silently on opposite sides the Atlantic until Nietzsche's death in 1900.
'Murica 3, Germany 0.
Gentlemen, Sir Mark Twain...
“I good moustache” - Mark Twain.Twain is perhaps the most quoted moustache in history. As a lexical craftsman, Twain wields an axe of wisdom, striking pithy blows in the shape of revelationary epigrams. As a moustache, Twain simply rocks.
Most history books list 1917 as the year that the US and Germany first went to war. However, this is not true. 43 years earlier, the two great nations squared off in the infamous Twain/Nietzsche Walrus War that raged silently on opposite sides the Atlantic until Nietzsche's death in 1900.
'Murica 3, Germany 0.
Gentlemen, Sir Mark Twain...
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir Freddie Mercury
Gentlemen, we're 3 weeks deep. You've made it past pre-pubescence, passed the porn star point, and are now proudly parading toward upper-pucker perfection. Enjoy these final days of Movember, and try not to drown in the social and romantic opportunities that are now raining upon you.
Today, as we do some days, as we should have done the other day but didn't because maybe we had too many drinks and didn't get time to do it but now we're really sorry about not doing it, we honour another great moustache of history. Today we salute our first musical moustache. A moustache of great flamboyance. A moustache responsible for more number-one singles than any other moustache. Yes, today's great moustache belongs to none other than Sir Freddie Mercury.
There is not an adjective in English that could suitably flatter this man of immense talent and immense moustache, so we shall end this short bio here with a fitting quote:
Today, as we do some days, as we should have done the other day but didn't because maybe we had too many drinks and didn't get time to do it but now we're really sorry about not doing it, we honour another great moustache of history. Today we salute our first musical moustache. A moustache of great flamboyance. A moustache responsible for more number-one singles than any other moustache. Yes, today's great moustache belongs to none other than Sir Freddie Mercury.
There is not an adjective in English that could suitably flatter this man of immense talent and immense moustache, so we shall end this short bio here with a fitting quote:
"I don't like it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God. I mean, he's pretty good, but he's not Freddie Mercury" - The InternetGentlemen, Sir Freddie Mercury...
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir Salvador Dali
Gentlemen, congratulations.
You've officially made it to the 2nd half of Movember. By now, your moustaches, like your egos, will have grown plump and proud. Well done.
Today, as we do every day (except Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday), we honour another Great Moustache of History. Today's great moustache belongs to Mr. Salvador Dali, a true artist in both vocation and personal grooming. Sir Winston Churchill famously described Dali's facial masterpiece as surreally really good.
Ok, the Churchill quote is obviously not true, but it was the best pun I could come up with at 9am on a Monday – on the bright side, the week can only get better from here.
Gentlemen, Sir Salvador Dali...
You've officially made it to the 2nd half of Movember. By now, your moustaches, like your egos, will have grown plump and proud. Well done.
Today, as we do every day (except Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday), we honour another Great Moustache of History. Today's great moustache belongs to Mr. Salvador Dali, a true artist in both vocation and personal grooming. Sir Winston Churchill famously described Dali's facial masterpiece as surreally really good.
Ok, the Churchill quote is obviously not true, but it was the best pun I could come up with at 9am on a Monday – on the bright side, the week can only get better from here.
Gentlemen, Sir Salvador Dali...
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir Mark Spitz
Gentlemen, today we celebrate one of the most formidable moustaches of the Cold War era. A gold medal-winning moustache. A moustache so aquatically dominate, that its in-pool record would go unbroken for 36 years. Thirty. Six. Years. Yes, today’s Great Moustache of History belongs to the wonder of the water, Sir Mark Spitz.
Sir Spitz’s ‘stache is indisputable proof that a good moustache looks good in any outfit, even speedos. In a tale published by Ask Men (which I read in Now I Know), Spitz purportedly joked with the then-Soviet swim coach telling him that his moustache “deflects water away from my mouth, allows my rear end to rise and make me bullet-shaped in the water”. According to the tale, every male Russian swimmer sported a ‘stache of their own by the following year.
Gentlemen, Sir Mark Spitz...
Sir Spitz’s ‘stache is indisputable proof that a good moustache looks good in any outfit, even speedos. In a tale published by Ask Men (which I read in Now I Know), Spitz purportedly joked with the then-Soviet swim coach telling him that his moustache “deflects water away from my mouth, allows my rear end to rise and make me bullet-shaped in the water”. According to the tale, every male Russian swimmer sported a ‘stache of their own by the following year.
Gentlemen, Sir Mark Spitz...
Friday, November 15, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir Errol Flynn
Gentlemen, as we hurtle uncontrollably toward the baby-faced month of December, I felt it fitting that we stop and take another little trip back in time. Back to a time when fedoras weren't just for hipsters. A time when porn meant bare ankles and elbows. A time when the word gentlemen was more than just a satirical salutation for moustache-themed blogs.
Today's Great Moustache of History belongs to a golden star of the silver screen, Sir Errol Flynn. Flynn was an infamous womanizer, a hard partier, and starred in dozens of classic films that you and I have never bothered to watch. And probably never will. Nevertheless, we salute his sharply manicured 'stache, a style still celebrated today in the underground slam poetry circles of Brooklyn's backstreets.
Gentlemen, Sir Errol Flynn…
Today's Great Moustache of History belongs to a golden star of the silver screen, Sir Errol Flynn. Flynn was an infamous womanizer, a hard partier, and starred in dozens of classic films that you and I have never bothered to watch. And probably never will. Nevertheless, we salute his sharply manicured 'stache, a style still celebrated today in the underground slam poetry circles of Brooklyn's backstreets.
Gentlemen, Sir Errol Flynn…
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Military Moustaches
Gentlemen, in recognition of today, Remembrance Day, we shall acknowledge three of the most formidable military moustaches to have ever conquered commanded, and killed. These mighty moustaches were carefully selected not only for their incredible achievements in warfare, but also because these were the only three I could find in a five-minute Google search.
Genghis Khan
According to everyone, Genghis Khan was a serious badass. Wikipedia lists Khan’s favourite hobbies as killing people, and killing lots of people. After a hard day of killing people, Khan liked to unwind by killing people. Historians estimate that Khan wiped out 11 percent of the world’s population. For real. So many people died under Khan that huge amounts of cultivated land were left untended and then reclaimed by carbon-eating forests that scrubbed an estimated 700 million tonnes of carbon from the atmosphere.
Gentlemen, Genghis Khan...
Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu's book, The Art of War, was the #1 business title on the The New York Times Best Seller list for 130,676 consecutive weeks until finally being knocked off by The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
Tzu’s book is considered a corporate strategy bible by cocaine-huffing business execs who want to rock the boardroom with impressive charts, crush the competition with impressive charts, and win all the customers with impressive charts.
Before moving into business literature, Tzu spent some time in China.
Gentlemen, Sun Tzu...
Peter the Great
My first encounter with Peter the Great came in 1993. I’d just unwrapped the very first edition of Microsoft Enctara and loaded the disc into my 486 DX2-66. There I sat, armed with what was (at the time) the single greatest concentration of knowledge ever to have existed, so I did what any sensible 12-year-old would do, I searched for my own name.
Through my first Encarta encounter, I was pleasantly surprised to discover the existence of Peter the Great, and now I’m no-so-pleasantly struggling to remember anything about him. Whatever he did, I’m sure it was, well, great.
Gentlemen, Peter the Great...
Genghis Khan
According to everyone, Genghis Khan was a serious badass. Wikipedia lists Khan’s favourite hobbies as killing people, and killing lots of people. After a hard day of killing people, Khan liked to unwind by killing people. Historians estimate that Khan wiped out 11 percent of the world’s population. For real. So many people died under Khan that huge amounts of cultivated land were left untended and then reclaimed by carbon-eating forests that scrubbed an estimated 700 million tonnes of carbon from the atmosphere.
Gentlemen, Genghis Khan...
Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu's book, The Art of War, was the #1 business title on the The New York Times Best Seller list for 130,676 consecutive weeks until finally being knocked off by The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
Tzu’s book is considered a corporate strategy bible by cocaine-huffing business execs who want to rock the boardroom with impressive charts, crush the competition with impressive charts, and win all the customers with impressive charts.
Before moving into business literature, Tzu spent some time in China.
Gentlemen, Sun Tzu...
Peter the Great
My first encounter with Peter the Great came in 1993. I’d just unwrapped the very first edition of Microsoft Enctara and loaded the disc into my 486 DX2-66. There I sat, armed with what was (at the time) the single greatest concentration of knowledge ever to have existed, so I did what any sensible 12-year-old would do, I searched for my own name.
Through my first Encarta encounter, I was pleasantly surprised to discover the existence of Peter the Great, and now I’m no-so-pleasantly struggling to remember anything about him. Whatever he did, I’m sure it was, well, great.
Gentlemen, Peter the Great...
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Friday, November 8, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir Hulk Hogan
How do you make a great moustache greater? Add more moustache, of course! Here at GMOH HQ, we receive around 27,000 moustache submissions every day, and approximately 26,996 of those submissions are the same picture; this one:
Yes, today we honour the horseshoe king, WWF, WCW, WWE, and now GMOH champion, Sir Hulk Hogan. Sir Hulk is a true wrestling superhero, and his snow white waterfall shimmers with a mystical iridescence. Tales of Sir Hulk chasing down a unicorn and plucking its silken tail to create this sumptuous ‘stache are surely just legend. Surely...
Gentlemen, Sir Hulk Hogan.
Gentlemen, Sir Hulk Hogan.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir Chris Hadfield
Today's Great Moustache of History is out of this world, literally. Or was, literally. Today we celebrate the finest moustache to have ever entered low Earth orbit, Sir Chris Hadfield. Fighter pilot, author, spaceman, Sir Chris is estimated to be at least 183 percent testosterone and 27 percent moustache. Scientists speculate his ability to exist at 2.1 times beyond the theoretical limit is due to the time dilation experienced during his 166 days in space. We of the GMOH board speculate it’s due to Sir Chris being awesome. And, as everyone knows, the rules of math do not apply to awesome.
Gentlemen, Sir Chris Hadfield...
Gentlemen, Sir Chris Hadfield...
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Great Moustaches of History: Sir David Boon
As we enter the fine month of Movemeber, I thought it would be a fitting time to remind ourselves of the great men that forged the path we now tread. Without these fine figures, the humble moustache would be a characterless and unfashionable blight upon our faces, rather than the revered emblem of manliness that it now is.
Today’s Great Moustache of History belongs to Sir David Boon (a.k.a the Keg on Legs). Part professional cricket, bigger part professional beer drinker, Sir David is an Australian national icon and a record-setting opening batsman. Without doubt, Sir David’s greatest achievement was consuming 52 cans of beer on a Sydney-London flight while en route to England to compete in an international cricket series. Paradoxically, this tale is both totally unbelievable and entirely true.
Gentlemen, Sir David Boon…
Today’s Great Moustache of History belongs to Sir David Boon (a.k.a the Keg on Legs). Part professional cricket, bigger part professional beer drinker, Sir David is an Australian national icon and a record-setting opening batsman. Without doubt, Sir David’s greatest achievement was consuming 52 cans of beer on a Sydney-London flight while en route to England to compete in an international cricket series. Paradoxically, this tale is both totally unbelievable and entirely true.
Gentlemen, Sir David Boon…
Day 2: The Movember Sun Rises
And so it begins.
The baby-faced winds of Halloween have blown through and robbed me of my ability to buy liquor without a driver's licence.
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